


i know it's up to me to organise my heart (is it?)

by hwaslintroller



Series: SEONGJOONG ... ?! [5]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:35:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24698422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwaslintroller/pseuds/hwaslintroller
Summary: ‘You know, Seonghwa,’ Hongjoong’s throat is dry as he swallows against it. ‘You don’t have to be nice to me just for the sake of it.’Seonghwa’s brow furrows, but his hand on Hongjoong’s doesn’t budge. ‘What do you mean?’‘I’m,’ Hongjoong begins helplessly. ‘I work minimum wage, Seonghwa. And I’m a vampire- the vampire who turned you, too- and I have to kill to live. Don’t you think- don’t you think that’s gross?’Hongjoong feels guilty for turning Seonghwa, his boyfriend, into a vampire. However, he doesn’t know that said boyfriend is still very much in love with him, and will be no matter what.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: SEONGJOONG ... ?! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632400
Comments: 7
Kudos: 113





	i know it's up to me to organise my heart (is it?)

**Author's Note:**

> a) happy early birthday to me bitches  
> b) hongjoong is babie i would d word for him  
> c) seonghwa is !! so soft for him im sick  
> d) i listened to woodz's different writing this so you could read while listening to it for the vibe! title is also taken from the song  
> e) eli shiyue phoebe i am so sorry

It’s nearing 4am when Hongjoong gets home- much later than usual. It had been a long night- today was Monday, after all; and there hadn’t been as many late night stragglers as there would’ve been on the weekends. The homeless man he’d finally drunk from tasted foul, but it was better than nothing. 

He pushes the door open as quietly as possible, careful not to make it creak. Seonghwa should be asleep by now- even though vampires didn’t have to abide by the human laws of nature, Seonghwa likes to go to bed at night and wake up early in the morning, eating food just for the taste, even though it provides no nutritional value. Seonghwa also drinks his blood out of packs, unlike Hongjoong, who goes on a hunt like the monster he is every night. 

‘You’re late,’ a soft voice says, and Hongjoong freezes. Seonghwa is perched on the couch, looking over the back of it at Hongjoong, his eyes glowing in the dark. 

Hongjoong sighs, letting the door fall shut. ‘I’m home,’ he murmurs, walking over to the couch, keeping his eyes on the floor. He can’t bring himself to look at Seonghwa- not when he’d literally just torn a human into pieces. The humans Seonghwa loves and flourishes among, the human Seonghwa used to be before Hongjoong turned him. 

Hongjoong sits down on the couch gingerly, keeping their distance. Seonghwa’s eyes are unreadable as he watches Hongjoong. 

‘Why are you still up?’ Hongjoong breaks the silence. He’s painfully aware of every breath Seonghwa takes, the stillness of the room starting to ring in his ears. 

‘Why have you been avoiding me?’ Seonghwa counters, and Hongjoong inhales sharply. 

He’d nearly forgotten about that- there’s just been so much on his mind lately; but the singular thought clouds over everything else again. While their society has already become mildly accepting of vampires, Hongjoong is acutely aware of the stares Seonghwa gets out in public, the admiring glances thrown at him by women and men alike. _He’s so handsome, they murmur, thinking that they’re out of earshot. Pity he’s one of them- he could’ve married a chaebol’s daughter._

Yeah, Hongjoong can’t ever forgive himself for turning Seonghwa. 

It had been out of necessity- they’d started dating before Hongjoong had told him about his vampire status, but before Hongjoong could tell him the truth Seonghwa’d gotten himself into a car accident, and turning him had been the only way to save his life. But is it really considered living, when your heart doesn’t beat anymore? When you’re forced into it, especially by someone who, by all standards, shouldn’t have dared to have been so selfish?

‘You’re spacing out again,’ suddenly Seonghwa’s fingers are on his chin, tilting his face up so that Hongjoong’s forced to look at him. ‘We said no secrets between us, didn’t we?’ his hand moves to cover Hongjoong’s. 

Seonghwa is so gentle- has always been, soft-spoken and kind and considerate. He could’ve had his pick of a partner, but for some reason he’d ended up with Hongjoong, who didn’t even go to school with him, only worked at the café at the end of the street. Seonghwa had been studying business, the captain of the dance team at school. Life had so much in store for him- how could Hongjoong, a small-town nobody even before he became a monster, take all of that away from him?

Hongjoong meets Seonghwa’s eyes for the first time that night before everything comes crashing down upon him.

‘You know, Seonghwa,’ Hongjoong’s throat is dry as he swallows against it. ‘You don’t have to be nice to me just for the sake of it.’

Seonghwa’s brow furrows, but his hand on Hongjoong’s doesn’t budge. ‘What do you mean?’ 

‘I’m,’ Hongjoong begins helplessly. ‘I work minimum wage, Seonghwa. And I’m a vampire- the vampire who turned you, too- and I have to kill to live. Don’t you think- don’t you think that’s gross?’ 

Seonghwa is silent for a moment, and Hongjoong heart jumps up his throat. Because of course he had to fuck it all up like that, throw it all down the drain because of his stupid mouth and stupid thoughts-

He’s expecting Seonghwa to yell at him, to ask him why he didn’t just let him die. Instead, Seonghwa turns his palm over and threads their fingers together it. ‘I don’t think it’s gross.’ Seonghwa says. 

Hongjoong can hear his heartbeat in his ears. ‘What?’

‘Hongjoong, I’m in love with you,’ Seonghwa says seriously. Hongjoong ducks his eyes again, because Seonghwa’s gaze is so clear, filled with so much sincerity, that Hongjoong thinks he’ll burst into flames if he looks into them directly. ‘Why would you think- I’d find you gross?’

‘I don’t know,’ Hongjoong says. He feels the familiar pressure of tears against his eyes before he rubs at them roughly, because he won’t cry. ‘You could’ve- you could’ve had so much more, if it wasn’t for me-’

‘Hey, hey,’ Seonghwa calls, swiping at the wetness on Hongjoong’s cheeks with his thumb. ‘Baby, tell me, what’s going on?’ 

‘I shouldn’t have turned you,’ Hongjoong gasps, curling his fingers into a fist. It’s too much, now that Seonghwa’s found out what Hongjoong’s on about. Surely now he won’t care to be with Hongjoong’s pathetic ass any longer. ‘You could’ve married some rich guy’s daughter, become an actor or an idol, I don’t know,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘But now you’re stuck with me, and I can’t give you anything, and you’re just gonna get sick of this and-’

‘Hey, no,’ Seonghwa shushes him, but Hongjoong only cries harder. ‘Hey, Joong-ah, don’t cry- hey, breathe with me, okay? In, out.’ 

Hongjoong does as he’d told, feeling his racing pulse slow a bit. In front of him, Seonghwa smiles. ‘That’s right,’ he tells Hongjoong, squeezing his hand. ‘You’re doing so well.’ 

‘Sorry,’ Hongjoong says. He’s ashamed- it’s not the first time he’s lost it with Seonghwa, but it reminds him of how weak he is, how little he is compared to Seonghwa. ‘I shouldn’t have-’

‘Why are you apologizing?’ Seonghwa asks him, and before Hongjoong knows it, Seonghwa’s scooping him up into his arms, chest to chest. Hongjoong hiccups in surprise when he’s set down on Seonghwa’s lap, hands around his waist. 

‘I want you to listen to me, Hongjoong,’ Seonghwa says, close and soft. Hongjoong shudders in his embrace. ‘You saved my life, okay? I would’ve died if you didn’t turn me- there’s no what-if about this.’ 

Hongjoong buries his face in Seonghwa’s shoulder. Seonghwa’s wearing one of his favourite cardigans, the white one with the cherry embroidered in the front. It smells like him. ‘And,’ Seonghwa starts. ‘And you’re my boyfriend, alright? I love you- you’re brilliant, an amazingly talented producer, and you’re so smart and so beautiful- I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you at the coffee shop- why would I leave you?’ 

‘I don’t know,’ Hongjoong whispers, the stress of everything finally catching up on him. ‘I just thought- I thought you deserved better than me, that’s all.’ 

‘Silly boy,’ Hongjoong feels rather than hears Seonghwa chuckle, the sound tucked into the little pocket of them, in the middle of the night. He kisses the side of Hongjoong’s face. ‘You’re _my_ silly boy, alright? I’m not ever letting you go.’

**Author's Note:**

> **please consider leaving a comment so the author knows they're not posting into the void!**   
>  [twitter](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller)


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